Ever Loved

Have you ever loved someone where when you held them in your arms, your body just wanted to merge into them so that you would never let go and always be with them? Or loved where you still remember that first electric touch they gave you when walking by that let you know "they are the one"? Or would make mountains move just so you can see them for one fraction of time? Or give up the "you"  to save the "us"? Or with each day, your thoughts always drifted to them in idle and when you could be together again? To love someone so passionately that your own life takes 2nd and even the damage the relationship can cause is worth the risk. In a mind created around logic, how can this be. The illogical rules with love: the heart creates the circuitry with its free flowing movement throughout the vessels of the body. 


How ironic I was listening to music the other day and a song filled my ears, expressing exactly what it was like to feel the passion of true love. To be touched by something so powerful is such a gift. Each phrase was an expression of the exchange from one person to the other. How a stranger can be let into your life and heart and fill you inside. My god, what can be more than that; after that? The task will be how to let go to someone else like that again. Because anything less, is really not living at all. 


"Glitter In The Air"


Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?


It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?


Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?


It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?


La La La La La La La La


There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar


Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

Who am I?

We all are have a destiny to fulfill. Some for greatness and some to feel as if obsolete. Since I was young, I knew I had a purpose; not necessarily to lead but not to follow. I had unique skills that I honed and practiced and studied the meaning of. But with age, life seems to have controlled my direction. I do not complain about that because I indeed was able to experience life. But now that I am healing from a depression spawned by the inability to make sense of a simple life event, I question who am I now becoming. My mind has such a passion to understand; I spent much of my younger years mapping out human emotions and understanding the interconnection we have to one another. However, when you connect to someone deeply, your senses become unreliable. When you believe in something so passionately only to realize that the skill you so egotistically nurtured may have failed you, what do you do? I have always said to myself "I want to go home". This world in which we live dilutes so much of what we are and deludes us into believing we are something that we are not. It has never felt like home-a place where the mind speaks freely to the connections we have with one another. I miss that. I miss a home that I am a part of but can never have. And when I am in a healing phase, I remember all the parts that I am made of. As I told my ex, if he was not a part of my healing phase, all the pieces would not quite come together proper and I will heal not quite right. The balance within would be off. For many this happens after a trauma they do not fully deal with-become bitter, jaded, angry, withdrawn or empty. I believed someone to be a soulmate that I cannot be with. If the connection is not dealt with, it will be ripped from my heart to move forward. But that violent act cannot occur without a scar. How will this scar on my heart affect me and influence who I will be? I already feel something in me is lost; the problem is how deep does it go and worse, what is it that has been or is being dismantled. I am stronger now but why.

Such an Idioit

The evolution of my connection with my former bf continues to throw me into chaos. We actually began to communicate this weekend, Since so much had happened to me with the surgery in May and the obstruction last month (I'll update on those in my next post) and he having job issues. we found common ground to comfort each other and talked and connected. We began to recognize the love we will always share and the bond that exists between us. I have been scared to some extent because he has a new life and it would be easy for him to turn his back on me as he did before; and my connection to him is too strong. But tonight a big blow occurred that I don't know if  I can overlook. After asking him if he had plans in October 3x's, I finally drug out of him that he was going on an Atlantis cruise--with a guy I had dated in the past that my ex stepped between (as I let him do so). He was someone I actually began to fall in love with and had a special place in my heart because he let me be myself and in turn I was able to grow with him. After my ex and I stopped speaking, they became very close and actually planned to go on a cruise. Why am I so angry about this? My ex and I- the cruises were our thing. So many memories. Because of boundaries and respect, I could never ask a close friend or prior lover of his to do something so intimate and bonding. I know it would hurt him. Even if we were not speaking, I know how much I care for him and could never think to do something that could cause harm He has no obligation to me for anything and certainly can do as he pleases; but I guess when you truly love someone deep down to the core of your being and feel there is a unbreakable bond, you instinctively want to protect them. I guess I was really wrong about the type of bond on his side. Boy was I ever. Wow. I feel so much hurt and anger and disgust all at once. I am pretty sure he would turn his back on me if the opportunity suited him. Maybe I am overreacting; maybe I am wrong. I just see a wall of facts that keep piling up against him and he refuses to answer against any of them. Sigh. I am just tired now. Too much to process. Soo much to lose.

Bitter Return

After almost 2 years, I return to my blog. Of course, as in my past times writing, the inspiration has always been because of my boyfriend/partner/ex/soulmate. This time is no different. The rocky existence between us has come once again to an end but on terms I cannot understand nor can I accept the most logical reason for it to have happened: he was just using me. Ten years in a relations with him can't be lost to a person using another individual for their own comfort and pleasure and then they are discarded as easily as trash when something else presents itself. This new start of my blog is simply to clear my head and put in writing what swarms through my mind. And hopefully it will help me to heal my own wounds in all of this. Sadly the tragedy of it all only occurs when I asked him for understanding, he gives no answers which only leads to dark confusion and hurt for me. And later when asked to please help me in this difficult time in the name and spirit of our bond and best friendship, he says "no". And there is the beginning of the end and a word that cannot be taken back and a person that cannot be forgiven. Deeper into confusion I go, which stresses the mind and senses. Can he be what everyone has told me? Was our bond a lie or is it true that a love one can truly turn their back on you in your darkest time of need; therefore completely dishonoring the very nature of love and friendship? I can't believe it is so. When that occurs there must be a reason; an unknowing from the person. I will delve into this. I have no choice.

Solace in an Endless Night

I am a romantic and musician by heart. I am a spiritual seeker by my frame of nature. But I tend to forget this composition of my essence. When I write, I feel a sense of peace and release (I suppose that is why many of us blog). When I listen to music, lyrics, the words i take within my heart and they then represent emotions I couldn't put into words. I listened to several songs today and each one made me cry more than the next. At first, it was the sadness of the words and the expression of what I was losing with my ex, but then later, the tears were of joy. I revelled in the mere fact of feeling and expression in my heart, taking pleasure in the outpouring of what my soul held within that could be shared.

I remember once telling my ex I wanted him to read a journal I kept. I guess he didn't take it seriously or realize the significance. That journal was a bridge into my heart that he turned his back to in front of me. I also remember once expressing to him in excitement a dream I wanted to share. He mocked me in jest but it might as well had been a bullet to my chest. Funny how different each of us are, and where to one, a simple comment is nothing but to another can be felt as an emotional avalanche. For this turtle to show his head is difficult and when it is withdrawn back into the shell, it may never come out in fear of rejection or judgement. It's time to approach the crossroad and it is time to go home. It is time to find and secure who I am and center my voice with the spiritual guide I feel I lost long ago. But as my favorite books of all time once expressed, "the gods never abandoned us. We abandoned them and lost our way. When anger and pride receded, the path became clear again". (that was kind of paraphrasing the spiritual message of Dragonlance).

Endless Night-from Lion King

Where has the starlight gone
Dark is the day
How can I find my way home?
Home is an empty dream
Lost to the night
Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere
I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break
Oh endless night
Sleepless I dream of the day
When you were by my side
Guiding my path
Father, I can't find the way

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere
I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
And that the sun will rise
I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine
And that the sun will shine

Jealously... The Unnatural Cleanser

The emotion of jealously is fairly new to me. I thought it was silly for years until I was in another relationship and found that it was one way to convey feelings of attachment and caring. And now when you are in love with someone, it can cause you to do irrational things and make haste decisions. My ex can't stand the thought of me being with someone else which make me question is occasional request to reconcile (i.e. he may not want me but he can't see me become happy with someone else). When we broke up in the past, I sat thru and supported him in other relationships and endured him acting out sexually with others. My friends would call me stupid for trying to be an anchor and ground zero for him but forego any sexual connection with anyone else but him during these times. I knew my sexcapades elsewhere would compromise my support efforts by him getting upset and therefore I held jealously in check.

But love and separation from the one you love causes those feelings to crawl out of the recesses of the mind when you least expect it. My ex is now feeling the high of his porn career taking off again. And my first thought is pride and support but then that diminishes to a subtle anger knowing the feed from ego boost will pull him away as it did before. He will become more self absorbed and I in no way wish to be with him in that state. I am jealous that I can't stand by his side thru this time; that world and the people in it are foreign to me. I don't fit in, which is something he refused to understand and therefore resented about me. I could be content just watching the people do their dance of life amongst each other, their pathology playing out in interactions, substance use and abuse but that was unacceptable. The introvert vs. the extrovert: the turtle vs. the octopus.

But jealously is never complete unless it rears its head against a 3rd party individual. My ex did a scene with a guy and I immediately saw that a strong connection was formed. (This is after we broke up this last time). I even tried to encourage it and support them but he denied it potential and ignored my request to develop a connection with the newcomer (I knew he didn't like me because I was a threat). Now knowing that they have deepened their connection and having gestures from the newcomer of status in my ex's life, I am jealous and have hatred towards him (the little bastard). I feel a betrayal only because my ex promised that nothing was between them but I knew the boy was very much in love with my ex. The feelings of stupidity come back (and rightfully so) because I made effort not to be public with anyone affectionately so as not to upset him but the reverse wasn't true. I publicly link my ex in a profile with nice words as a kind gesture but he can only secretly in email say he wants me back. So part of me wants to say, "fuck you <>. You can have your little boy and I hope you are happy with him".

We each have a point of view and his on this whole affair is very different than mine. I read his blog and see the twists in stories he tells about me to make his reader more endeared to him and see me as the enemy. I know his friends do not like me as well. I abhor being disliked unjustly but this is one time I will have to sit with the feeling and endure. That crossroad is getting closer and closer and I see that I am now postponing a decision to just let go. He and I are worlds apart. We may never mend from the damage we inflicted on each other and that healing is essential to a healthy relationship. A relationship with healthy episodes of jealously and anger that foster growth, not destruction.

The Uncertainty of Time

As they say, "time heals all wounds". My wounds are slowly healing from my prior relationship with my ex. I feel better about myself and stronger; more self confident and secure; and more passionate. During our time together, my fears held my emotions in check and the one thing that he needed from me, I was always afraid to give--afraid it wasn't enough, or too much or the wrong time. So, it seemed that nothing was shared. I have now learned to rediscover those emotions and revel in them. But what next...

As I grow and mature, I want to share these things with him. Every move I make, it seems is ultimately what I wish to bring back to us. Nothing that I do is in absence of a thought for him. And yet, if he does not grow during this time, we can never be. A repeat of our past will only ensue and I will never let myself be taken down that path again. That was a place where I only saw darkness. I didn't even realize I was depressed for months and had lost all self esteem and feeling of worth. All my actions were based on fear of his reaction; sometimes I preempted a strike because I could predict the outcome and was braced for the impact, many times I held back because I afraid of being vulnerable. This was no way to live for either of us. All this because we didn't have the mature communication skill.

My ex and I are so different, night and day. But when we connected, we were magic. I think that is what continues to connect us. We developed a love that cannot be broken, no matter hard we try. I have realized that and know we will always be a part of each others lives. Anytime you truly love someone, they are bound to your heart. It then becomes the persons responsibility to discover how and where to place them when everything falls apart. Our connection is so powerful and magnetic (based in true love, obsession, codependency, friendship, will) we cannot shake it. While he works from emotion (breaking up when he is frustrated or angry or feeling secure about a new adventure), I live by logic and know the course of events based on our pattern. It is sad and hurts when you know someone is that special in your eyes and should be your best friend but they refuse to learn to be so. It is sad when a person is blinded by their own ego. So most of my days, although I am joyous of my new life and discovery of self, I am very sad that my ex is not here by my side.

He has just taken a trip that lent itself to a wonderful adventure in his lifestyle and he is high on the wine of that. As I know him, he will now wish to forget me (again) and move on. I should consent. But how do you deny your arm the existence of your hand; your soul the existence of your heart. It can be done with forgetful messages to your brain and deniability to your heart. But it isn't real. I wish to just love him for who he is unconditionally and let him walk away; feeling the sadness of loss but the joy of knowing love. I suppose that is a stage that people finally reach when they lose a love one. And so I then must see him as through death eyes. Or should I hope for yet another reconciliation and he matured and grew in these few months. But that isn't fair to me. We both deserve happiness. We both seek it. Life is full of uncertainty and the paths are many. Some roads you can travel many times and back track. But there are some, once taken, you can never go back. I will tread cautiously for now moving towards the crossroad; and I know that some of those branches leading off will head to a new emotion called regret.